


Hanahaki

by sureva



Category: Free!
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 02:03:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15962342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sureva/pseuds/sureva
Summary: Ai falls ill. Rin, Momotarou and Sousuke try to deal with it.





	Hanahaki

The haze.

 

Ai couldn’t pinpoint the day it had started. All he knew was that one day he had woken up to it, and after that it hadn’t left his side. It had arrived like the fall arrives; almost indistinguishable, harmless and bittersweet. Momentarily, the summer memories would visit him and keep it away, but most of the time the blur sat in front of his eyes, and everything was incoherent. Something was fading out irretrievably, Ai could feel it -but he had grown into the wistfulness, step after step sank into it. And it laid so deep underneath his skin that it was unable to be cut out, so he settled to walk around with it. But it couldn't be denied; Ai wasn’t feeling well.

 

It had been a few months since his second year had started, and Rin had moved out.  
Everything seemed to be in order. He went to class and to swimming practice, did his homework, slept. He kept track of time by school assignments and deadlines, but still in the mornings, he would wake up not knowing what day it was. The ordinary things had lost their remarkability to him as the time went on; as if he had got fed up with them, grown out of them. And he found out that he wasn’t really looking forward to anything anymore.  


It didn’t bother him though. Every morning approached with that same cold light, filling the room with grey. It didn’t bother him, or that was what he was telling himself -after all, nothing was wrong. Days were just a continuity, the same old wheel -now just covered with a kind of melancholy, the same that had evenly found its way to his heart.

 

Most of the time it was hard to concentrate. Ai would sit by his desk, filled with papers and letters and schoolwork, just to find it all very overwhelming. So instead, he would spend the hours by peering outside, watching the leaves turn brown and contorted. His mind felt the same, if that makes any sense -specifically, it felt like the drain that robbed the nature of its splendid colors was visiting him, too. As a result, he was low on energy most of the time. Yet, despite of it, he knew how to conjure up a smile on his face, so no one never asked him anything. No one really talked to him anyways, or that’s how he felt -and continued to walk among the people who joked, chatted, laughed.

 

Of course there were some people who cared. For example, Momo -his roommate and underclassman, who would always try and make his senpai laugh. He was a lot of fun, but Ai felt like he needed someone he could really connect with. Momo’s attention span wouldn’t be enough to hold long, meaningful conversations. Overall, Ai was afraid that the lively boy would not understand the haze he was going through, and doubted if he was enough to put it in words himself.

 

When Momo was making too much noise for his tired brain to take, he would move from the room and down the hallway, aiming to the library at the end of the building. Staring at the ground he walked, clutching all his papers and books and scattered thoughts close to him. There was that fear of losing at the back of his head, although he would’ve needed to let go instead. His feet shifted mindlessly, almost moving on their own.  


 

Right now, he felt slightly more present than what he had felt the whole day. The liminal space, the hallway from his room to the library, was enough to spark the clarity. Like that, he would surface from the bottomless sea of his thoughts, from time to time -which resulted in that all he remembered from the past weeks were a handful of those moments. Refreshed, Ai stopped by the glass window to the cafeteria.

 

People were having fun. Whole groups of friends were laughing, gesturing loudly; best friends were leaning closer to spill secrets; the couples… Ai could’ve watched the life going on before his eyes for ever and ever. All of them seemed to have something that he didn’t, and he used a big portion of his time wondering about what it was. And although he was perfectly fine with just watching and wondering, his place on the outside; still sometimes the yearning overpowered him.  


The feeling of being an outsider, missing on something momentous -finally he had some sort of a name to it. Ai pressed his fingertips against the cold surface; they left foggy marks on the glass, which proved that his body was still warm although his heart wasn’t. Letting his gaze down, the wistfulness overtook the view for him. Was that all there was? Of him and for him. Ai couldn’t be sure, and shaking his head he tried to separate himself from the thought. He had to snap out of it, whatever it was that tried to slip into his consciousness.

 

Raising his eyes again, he noticed the pair all of a sudden -right across the hall, at their regular table. Rin and Sousuke sat in the corner of the cafeteria, seated by the window. His senpais were laughing, joking about something that had happened earlier that day, and the autumn light from the window spilled across the wooden surface. The golden stream landed on Rin’s hair, and Ai instantly got a feeling that the bright play wasn’t there; that it would disappear if he made the mistake of blinking now. And after all, it did last for about a blink of an eye only: at the same time than Ai’s eyes focused, Rin noticed him. A wide smile appeared on the man’s face immediately. He raised his hand to gesture the one behind the glass, to get him to join them, a kind move and nothing out of the ordinary. But that time, the distracting friendliness only made Ai cling onto his books tighter. Abruptly, his original goal became more significant; prioritized by its appearance of the only thing unwavering.  


 

Alarmed, the boy turned on his heels and ran off to the library.

 

 

 

The rest of the evening he spent burying himself in his books. Barely getting any work done, Ai sighed, turning another page. He felt like all the words had been translated into some foreign language, because he couldn’t understand anything he was seeing; but skimmed through the same lines over and over again. At last, he had to give it up, and with a heavy feeling in his chest closed the cover. Abandoned and forgotten, he sat there for a while.

 

The library was nearing the closing hour. Ai was the last living soul nearby; hand rising to his chest unawares, he let the realization sink in.  


The encounter haunted him. The thought was the ghost that distracted him from his work, snatching him from his concentration. He had no idea why he would _ever_ avoid his senpais, but he had done it now, and his backing off ashamed him terribly. He had no reason to do that, which only added to the regret. Ai would’ve given anything to be able to understand his own actions right now, for he couldn’t quite get the hang of it. The phantom pain in his heart reinforced; Ai supposed it to be a product of all that stress. He sighed; health decrease was the last thing he needed at the moment. The clock turned half past nine, so the boy gathered his studies and headed back to the dorms.

 

Momo laid on his back in the upper bunk, perking his head up when hearing the door go off.  


“Senpai! Where were you?”  


Ai dropped his heavy bag on the ground. “I was at the library. Didn’t I mention that earlier?”  


“Oh!” The boy grinned goofily. “Guess you did”.

 

Ai sighed. Momo started to go on and on about his day, but the boy didn’t really have the energy to listen. The heartache had metastasized as an itch to his throat, and he still had his hands full with trying to work some comprehensibility to the earlier events. So a bit bluntly, he turned his back to his kouhai and disappeared behind the bathroom door.

 

Divine silence hemmed him in. Ai hoped his troubles would vanish as easily as the sounds fade out towards the night, melt into the darkness like his mind did. But the lump in his throat had grown undeniable, making him breathe wheezing. He tried to gently cough it off, but it remained there stubbornly; rooted in place like a tree roots.

Ai was tired. He was tired of all the hiding, of all the covering up; but still ended up opening the faucet before leaning over the sink. Seeking strength from deep inside his burning lungs, he let out a long overdue cough, and another, and another. Seeking to get rid of the ache and all the black thoughts inside his head, he leaned lower over the water, inhaling painfully. Hot tears started to form in the corners of his eyes over the seemingly trivial hardship, but he just couldn’t help them from coming, no matter how harshly he beat himself up over it.

 

At last, he felt something move. 

 

Afraid of swallowing now that the thing was nearing the top of his throat, Ai straightened his spine instead. Heart battering the insides of his chest, he brought two fingers over his mouth hesitantly, trying to ignore his ever-growing fear that invaded the room. Leaning heavily against the sink with his other hand, he searched from the back of his mouth for it, before carefully dipping down his throat.  


It was hopeless. Hot tears squeezing out of his tightly closed eyes, his already high-pitched breathing accelerating, he attempted to dig out whatever it was that time that was making him miserable. Just when he was sure that he was going to puke, his fingertips met something. With self-will he managed to yank it out, and throw it into the sink.

 

Ai stared at his antagonizer through water-filled eyes. Although he was certain of his vision, he found it hard to consider his finding true.  
The water rushed powerfully from the faucet; bubbling and foaming, before finally spiraling down and into the sewer. Next to an establishing puddle over the plug, in the curve of the marble sat his finding;

 

 

A bright red petal.

 

 

 

Meanwhile on the top bunk, unaware of the struggle in their space; lazed Momotarou. He was talking loudly about a comic he was reading, occasionally throwing in a complaint of how long his senpai was occupying the bathroom. Finally the comprehension, that Ai hadn’t replied to anything he had said for good five minutes, caught on and the boy peered up curiously. It wasn’t like him at all, so Momo kept calling out his senpai’s name, before jumping down the bed with a clang. He headed to the bathroom’s door just when it opened, and almost had the wood hit him on the forehead.

 

Ai staggered out. He looked powerless and fragile, and had to lean on the doorframe to succeed exiting. Just the sight of him created a pale frown on the bright boy’s face, and like a dog Momo tumbled around his senpai, bombing him with obvious questions like “are you okay” and “are you feeling unwell”.

 

Ai was feeling too distracted to answer him. He was covered in cold sweat, and when he attempted to move further into the room, his knees gave in. Momo’s hands came as fast as lightning, large palms grabbing his arms as both boys descended to the floor. His voice was rising somewhere far, almost shouting while shaking his frame, holding him as if he would fall completely apart. Yet, despite his efforts Ai was unreachable. Although Momo’s face was so close now, Ai couldn’t see him with his hazed glassed eyes; couldn’t hear him calling his name…  


Then all of a sudden he felt it incoming; Ai yanked his chin up, desperation filled eyes fixed hastily into his friend’s. He opened his mouth for an appeal for help, but there it was the last thing that he should have done.

 

The flowers came.

 

Pouring like the first, long-awaited rain in the summer, the petals took the place of the words that he needed. Ai bent his body forward, and with a broken wail, vomited the blooms of colors out of his system. The attack was forceful in its beauty; driving him on his hands and knees, until he was at the mercy of it. The boy coughed and spat it out flower after flower, like there was no end to it. The petals from his lips landed on the floor, coloring the space between them.

 

Momo fell backwards a bit, hands supporting the tumble from behind. Taken by surprise, he kept staring at the outbreak in front of him, eyes widened in horror.  


Ai finished at last. Hastily pulling raspy inhales, the boy sought to catch his breath, slumping back to sitting position. His head felt dizzy after choking for so long. The flowers between his knees had distributed around like a map; large fuchsia pinks and small sky-blues telling different stories. Ai raised his half-lidded eyes from them; trickles of tears flowed down his cheeks undisturbed, as an indicator of his exhaustion. Still feeling a bit out of breath, he blinked away some of the water, rosy cheeks glistening of it. He had to get to say what he had needed to before it had been too late.

 

“Please, help me”, Ai croaked, throat sore in the aftermath of the seizure.

 

Momo opened and closed his mouth like a fish, eyes fixed on the boy before him. Not having the tiniest idea of what he was supposed to do, he decided on the first thing that popped in his mind. Executing the plan, the male scrambled on his feet and stormed out of the room.

 

 

His running steps could be heard far before he reached their door. The whole hallway echoed, as Momo hit the brakes too late and ended up sliding past his destination. Not bothering to knock, the ginger stormed in.  


Sousuke was lying on the top bunk, and Rin was lounging on the desk chair, turned to the other man lazily as they were in some heated debate. They barely skipped a beat in their arguing, although another player had just banged in -the boy running riot in Samezuka’s dorms was so ordinary.

 

“Rin-senpai! Sousuke-senpai!”

 

“Not now, Momo”, came Rin’s automatic response. He didn’t even turn to look at the door, but carried on with the dispute they were in the middle of.  


The ignored male was panting heavily after running as fast as his legs had carried. He stopped to lean his upper body on his knees for a brief moment, before straightening his back and crying out from the bottom of his lungs.

 

“Nitori-senpai is sick!”

 

That fished Rin’s attention. A bang erupted, as the red-haired male flung his feet from the desk to the floor. He got up so abruptly that the chair underneath his weight went close to falling over, and fixed his piercing gaze in the visitor.  


“In your room?”  


His tone demanded fast answers, and Momotarou sweated as if he was being interrogated about some life or death matter.  


“Ye-“  


Rin didn’t even wait for him to finish his confirmation. He rushed past the boy, out of the door and down the hallway. Momo took a desperate inhale and wailed “ _wait for me_ ”, before turning around on his heels to sprint after the impatient male. Sousuke was left alone in the room. Dumbfounded, he processed the light speed fast turn of events, before landing on the conclusion that he should join them. Whatever those hot-headed idiots were trying to do about it, it’d require some supervision.

 

He caught up with the sunset colored males by his underclassmen’s door. They stood unusually quietly, eyes directed in, yet no one attempted to move. Sousuke found the setting strange; inspecting their horror-stricken expressions he peered in himself, discovering the cause.

 

Ai laid on the floor, upper body resting on the lower bunk. He had barely moved from where Momo had left him, but heaved head buried in the mattress, arms thrown over it. Yet, what had changed from a moment ago was the floor around him.

 

The flowers were everywhere.

 

Yellows, blues and pinks in patches, the colors occupied a big portion of what used to be their space; greens, lilacs and reds taking command of the rest. The sad rainbow followed his tracks faithfully, running from the bathroom door to the side of their bed. Every item along the way was covered with it -his textbooks piled on the floor, the training bag, stuff linked to his ordinary life -as if they were sprouting buds, no longer serving a purpose outside of the garden. Meanwhile, the boy was once again stranded by his misery, the sea of flora surrounding him.  


Ai moved his head laboriously. His gaze was hazy and breathing faint after another merciless attack, but he wanted to see the guests. Sweat trickled from underneath his short-cut bangs, as he blinked off the plump tears stuck on his eyelashes to focus. His eyes were so full of pain that all three on the door flinched.

 

The boys took action right away. The plan wrote itself on the move; they were in such a hurry to help their precious teammate back on his feet. Someone found a bucket, into which the flowers were quickly gathered. Ai was carefully tucked in under the covers of the lower bunk bed. They made sure that he had someone to pat his back, caress his hair and wipe off his tears at all times.  


The boy hadn’t been showered with that much affection for years. It was hard to not feel embarrassed, and the new emotion added into the carousel of the already existing ones made him even more confused. Ai felt loved; it resembled him of the times his mother had nurtured him back to health when he had been sick as a kid. He kept on coughing, but someone was constantly talking to him and touching his shoulders, and his loneliness felt like a distant memory in the new arrangement. Not knowing how to express it, his gratitude ran out of his eyes; his embarrassed tears never petering out, but emerging fresh immediately after they had been wiped off.

 

The other boys found their places in the small dorm room whilst Ai sat quietly. Rin shared the bunk bed with him, sitting on the edge in the other end. Sousuke had grabbed one of the desk chairs and reeled it in next to his head, and Momotarou took up the floor cross-legged. That way, they hemmed him in unintentionally, the circle of attention closed. As its target, Ai felt shyer and shyer, like disappearing into the mattress, but couldn’t really complain.

 

“So, what is it with him?”

 

Rin was the first to give up staring at him, and leave the question in the air. It had crossed everyone’s mind in its obviousness, but because no one really had an answer, they stayed quiet. A clock ticked on the wall, measuring the extending minutes, and Rin’s foot tapped the floor in synchronization. The whole situation pissed him off, even more than should’ve been necessary; but he wasn’t in control of it. Being in the dark while Ai suffered left him exceedingly frustrated, and the anxiety sat tight in the pit of his stomach.  


To ease the suffocating tension probably, Momo threw in a stupid joke. Rin went completely off at it, barking at the poor boy who had only tried to lift the oppressive atmosphere around the room. They were quickly pulled into an argument about Ai’s care, quarrelling of who knew the best solution. Soon, their volume had risen up to fill the whole room, leaving the remaining parties squished in the corner. Ai was getting agitated, but the demands weren’t on him: Rin’s attention turned to Sousuke, who scrolled his phone indifferently. His inattendance got on his nerves, on top of everything that was going on already.

 

“Sousuke”, Rin growled, “put down that damn phone-”  


“Found it”.  


“Huh?”  


Sousuke, who purposely hadn’t taken part to the duo’s dispute, raised his glare from the screen.  


“I found the name of the disease”.

 

A dumbfounded silence quickly descended to the room. The two troublemakers seemed a bit embarrassed to realize that while they had been squabbling, the man had actually made an effort to google the symptoms and find the cause. The new information zipped them up, except for Rin’s mumbled call to read it out loud.  


Sousuke cleared his throat and zoomed in to the text. Three pairs of eyes waited keenly for him, one of them exceptionally desperate. Ai was afraid of what would come. It had occurred him that he might know the cause; he might have known it from the beginning. Clutching the hem of his covers he fidgeted it nervously, awaiting the revelation.

 

“Hanahaki. A lung disease, fatal if left untreated for a long period of time. Causes the patient to continually cough up flowers emerged in their respiratory system.”

 

As the man spoke, Ai felt his breath getting stuck in his throat. He turned away, but couldn’t escape it; the florets climbed up the side of his throat in the pace of the words read from the article. He didn’t want them, not now; but was at the mercy of his sickness. Heart pounding loudly in his ears, he was afraid it would give him away, and the more he stressed about it, the more demanding his illness got. So as quietly as he could, Ai gagged the blooms into the palm he had covered his mouth with, and hid the collected petals in his hands.

 

“The infection will most likely pass -if not, it should be removed surgically. The patient is expected to seek medical help after up to three days from the first symptoms -Alright, alright, think we’ve got it...”  


Sousuke stopped for a moment, scrolling up and down the block. Suddenly frowning, his expression showed subtle disbelief. The other two males fidgeted impatiently, excited to hear the final solution. At the same time, behind their backs Ai struggled with the increase of the petals; they doubled, tripled; soon he wouldn’t be able to hold them in anymore. As his fear grew, grew the cluster in his lungs that burned under the attack, desperate for air.

 

“The cause for this illness is...”

 

A whine broke out through his trembling lips. The sound notified the other males to turn their eyes to him. The boy’s frame had folded in half, the flowers dripping through the fingers that were pressed over his gaping mouth to conceal the relapse. Every emerging bloom was a signal of panic, screaming _don’t say it_ with every soft blush colour, yet the words were already on Sousuke’s lips, ready to smash down the front Ai had so carefully raised and cared for.

 

 

“...unrequited love.”

 

 

 

The rest of the evening passed by quietly. An awkward atmosphere had descended to the room, and it remained on top of them stubbornly. The flowers were scraped off his lap, but Ai couldn’t meet neither their gazes or questions. Momo tried to be helpful in his own way; repeatedly asking who she was, where had they met and if he needed to go punch somebody. His attempts were cute although Ai didn’t need that favour. Curling up against the wall, rapid blush spread over his cheeks and nose. The other males understood his embarrassment, but couldn’t do much.

 

At last, the trio managed to come up with a plan of sort for the night. They would stay up with Ai in turns in case his condition turned to worse, to make sure that he didn’t choke on the petals while asleep. The shifts were drawn with rock-paper-scissors, and Sousuke ended up with the first few hours.

 

 

Ai wasn’t really accustomed to sharing the room with the stoic man. They didn’t really know each other, and he often felt almost foreign in company of him and Rin. Ai didn’t know any of the things they usually talked about, for they were childhood friends and he from only a year aback -from an opposite end of a timeline.  


Head resting on a pillow, Ai stared at the base of the upper bunk. Trying to shelter from the disheartening thoughts he pulled the covers up to his nose, but the stifling presence in the room inhibited him from getting comfortable. Sousuke sat on the desk chair in his blind spot, arms crossed and head against the wall, and the minutes rolled by _slowly_.  


After another painfully long moment, just as the man was about to adjust his position, a small voice peeped out from underneath the blankets.

 

“Uh, Yamazaki-senpai-“  


“Sousuke”, the man corrected the attempt fast as a knife.  


“Uh”.  


 

Out of step after he had been cut out, Ai felt his cheeks burning up against the smooth fabric. Ducking his head up, the cool air soothed it, and granted him confidence. With more convincing voice, the boy gasped out what he had been meaning to say for the past hour, bowing his head apologetically.

 

“Sorry I’m being an inconvenience”.  


Sousuke exhaled sharply through his nose. Not taking any of it, he shot back his answer.  


“Ai, for fuck’s sake we care about you”.

 

The person concerned blushed hard at the words. Ai didn’t know how to react. He felt a bit wounded by his harshness, but knew it was just the way Sousuke spoke; blunt and honest. He admired his straightforwardness in a way, for he could probably have avoided a lot of his own collisions if he had been the same. The usage of his nickname softened him; the word ‘love’ sounded unfitting when pronounced by Sousuke’s serious mouth. In any case, it made its owner feel very overwhelmed, and unsure of whether he should be thankful or embarrassed, the boy simply nodded before wading back to the awkward silence. Ai’s face stayed baffled for a long while after the conversation had died out.

 

The clock ticked on the wall as the night went on. After what felt like an eternity, Ai pestered out a small “goodnight” before turning to his side. Facing a wall, he shyly tugged the hem of his covers, and waited for a confirmation. It never came though -the man hadn’t been listening, but was deep in a debate with himself.  


Sousuke had his suspicions. The overall amount of time he had been around Ai wasn’t that much, but he had sharp and observing eye. After all, by judging from the outside you usually access a great credibility. The man had found it true, and seeing how differently the boy behaved in company of a certain someone, he knew his hunch wasn’t based on nothing. He had seen through him; he thought anyone could have if they had stopped and watched. Ai’s love was adorable in its desperation.  


At last, the man landed on a decision. Dragging the chair further into the room beside the bunk bed, Sousuke faced the slender shoulders turned to him.

 

“Ai”.

 

Sousuke gained the boy’s attention by using his authoritative voice. Aiichirou, who had actually went really near to falling asleep, now startled fully awake, and turned to meet his senpai’s demanding gaze nervously.

 

“Wha- what is it?”

 

Sousuke observed the shy and confused expression in the dim light. Behind his icy expression, the man considered for the last time if he’d really do that to him. He didn’t want to invade his personal space with the question, but decided that it was purely for the boy’s well-being. Letting out an unhurried sigh, the upperclassman spoke out.

 

“I need you to tell me who you are in love with”.

 

The bluntness of the question had the poor boy turning bright red. Suddenly, he was again hyper aware of the petals making their way from his heart to his throat. Ai gave a little whimper of protest, muttering out “ _I couldn’t possibly do that_ ” under his breath. Yet the man was merciless, repeating the question until he had squeezed the truth out of his mouth, alongside a stream of milky white florets. 

 

 

It was midnight. It meant that the first round was finished, and Sousuke exited the room like a champion exits the ring, leaving his opponent empty of all secrets. Ai’s alone time didn’t last long; his sleep was soon interrupted again as Momotarou banged through the door, making him jump. At the end, the kouhai just plunged on the mat to snore on it in an X pose. His sudden slumber was amusing and so typical Momo, that it didn’t bother Ai at all. More than the things present, he was tangled up in his worries, mainly of what the leaked information would cause. It made a lump rise in his throat, tearing him up.

 

Of course it was Rin. It was Rin, it had been him all that time; and it’d be him, for all the time coming. Ai was in love with Rin.

 

Face to face with his at last exposed secret, Ai felt shyer than ever, tugging the blanket over his pink nose tip. He had been in love with Rin for a long time, but had let his subconscious protect him from ever thinking about it profoundly. Wasn’t it dangerous, after all? So many things could go wrong, so many ways in which it could hurt him or Rin. Moreover, Ai felt like he was wrong just for feeling that way. He supposed it somehow improper to be in love with a male; it wasn’t fair to Rin either. Sighing, the boy rubbed his burning eyes against the pillow, unable to escape his toxic thoughts.

 

They had their script, he and Rin. For so long that they had acted according to it, would it really be worth the chaos to go off-script? Ai was afraid of the change, of the breaking of their comforting, stationary state that had so entreatingly built between them. He had been afraid of it for so long, that it had had time to root into his system and pollute his insides in peace, before sprouting its blooms through his lips. But still, Ai couldn’t imagine any other way to live but staying next to Rin, concealing his incorruptible love in his chest. Revealing it wasn’t an option, unless Sousuke had already told Rin about it. Then, Ai knew he would be finished.

 

Momo continued his dreams in oblivion, as Ai sat up in his bed to splurt a bunch of tulips out of his system. He was unsure of how would his pale body last until morning, ignorance joining fear in battering his already bruised ribs? He felt weary like that, cold fingertips shaking as he raised them to touch his face. For so many days that he had been able to keep it together, this breakdown was the most devastating that his body had seen. Although some days the aching inside him had grown -making him desperate, drowning in the middle of the people who continued to breathe, yet no one had ever seen it before. Could they ever find him from it? Or had he completely taken the form of a dying flower by now? Ai’s insecurities kept escaping from his head, past his lips, to the dim glow of the moon spilling from the window. With that, his feelings were once again exposed, in colors on the floor.

 

After Ai felt like he had vomited enough, he laid down properly. Letting his heavy head fall into the perfect softness of his pillow, he let out a hoarse sigh. He was tired, yet for so much that he knew he wouldn’t be able to catch a wink anytime soon. Whole body aching, he located the source to be his heart, and silently pressed a palm over it under the covers. Good for nothing, he concluded, closing his eyes. His heart, that is; good for nothing but bringing him pain. 

 

 

At the same time, in the room down the hallway, was one with a same kind of conflict.  


 

Sousuke had returned to their room at twelve on the nose. There, he had found Rin pacing around the room in an agitated manner, his steps grooving a circle on the floor. Unable to relax, he had looked like he was going to go completely insane. Momotarou had conked down to one of the bunks early on, leaving the distressed man quite unaccompanied. Sousuke took the matter in his hands and hurriedly told the boy out; it was his turn to work as a watchdog after all.  


The moment the door clicked shut behind him, Sousuke turned to Rin. The other man appeared wide-eyed due to the lack of sleep, his hair a mess for all that stressed harrowing. Rin knew by his friend’s serious face that something had happened, but it wasn’t exactly what he expected.  


 

“It’s you, Rin”, Sousuke threw in his face straight-out the moment they were alone.  


 

“What?”, Rin barked as a response. His voice was high-pitched, as if all the air was running out of his lungs. Although he looked like he was dropping out already, Sousuke knew that it was just his defenses first reacting to the occurrence. Purposely rubbing it into his face to make sure it would sink in, Sousuke broke his statement into more understandable pieces.

 

 

“The person Ai is in love with. It’s _you_ ”.

 

 

 

The clock turned to show three a.m..  


The men had gone through a long whisper-shouting verbal fight, which they usually did when a situation demanded a solution of sort. They rarely agreed, and that’s how the case had unfolded that time, too. Rin had gone from denial to panic to acceptance before he found himself lying in the bottom bunk, trying to catch sleep. Sousuke had knocked out a while ago in the bunk above, exhausted and pissed off after the unresolved argument.  


 

Despite them having tried to work some sense to the situation for hours, Rin felt like everything was just as muddled and tangled inside his head as it had been earlier. Sousuke’s main reasoning, “just talk to him” wasn’t for any help but did the opposite: the more the man tried to figure out what to say, the more irresolute he became. His own uncertainty with how to properly acknowledge the situation was driving him up the wall.  


The man couldn’t stand the pressure anymore. Kicking the covers from restraining him, like shedding off a bad dream Rin sprung up into a sitting position, tossing his pillow to the ground. What was he doing? Trying to sleep while Ai was in pain in the other room? The image made his fingers curl into a fist, his frustration clawing into the mattress.

 

He didn’t know what to say to Ai. When his feelings had been revealed, it had dawned on Rin in a form of “oh, so that’s what it was all about”. Despite having to admit being a bit blind emotion-wisely sometimes, Rin wasn’t entirely stupid. Ai’s adorable, starry-eyed fluttering around him for the entirety of the last year had been quite transparent -he _had_ kind of guessed it. Yet, for some reason when Sousuke had finally confirmed it to him, his first reaction had been relief. If anything, he couldn’t have stood a thought of Ai being in love with anyone else except him. And that was where the case became curious: why was he so worked up about who Ai was in love with, anyways?

 

Calmed down, the man leaned his heavy head against the cold surface of the ladder railing. It was dark, and the darkness comforted him like a heavy blanket, diminishing his body’s need to start pacing again. The small hours made him feel tired at last, and the brilliance of being alone finally lured out his honest feelings regarding Ai.

 

You see, what had happened between the two of them since the very first day they had met, well… It wasn’t easy to explain. Rin had gone from irritated to accepting, before finally starting to genuinely enjoy Ai’s company and his bubbly little laugh. Over time, their relationship had evolved to the point he would feel absolutely betrayed if the boy wasn’t found next to him at all times. Ai had slipped in his favor so unawares and sweetly, that he had never considered it that profoundly before, up until now when it was presented in front of him so clear. The man knew he had been a tough nut to crack, really; but by the same token, Ai’s persistence had never failed to amaze him. Despite groaning at the huge list of things he had put the boy through, Rin felt eternally grateful for the fact that Ai had never given up on him.

 

Until lately nonetheless, he had. The things the boy was unaware of, Rin had kept track on. The day Ai had stopped talking to him, stopped knocking on their door, every little detail he had noticed. And every little thing on that growing list the man had kept in the back of his head, wondering why those insignificant deeds kept bothering him so much. Ai seemed to have turned inwards, slipping away from him deliberately. Sure, they had new roommates, and it had been easy to think that maybe he was busy looking after Momo. But still, the empty place where his cheerful chatter had been remained, bugging the man every single day. 

 

Closing his eyes, Rin tried to recall more. However, all he earned was the same bitter setting he had woken up to around a month ago. Rin remembered how he had tried to catch a glimpse of Ai’s silver crown in the hallways. The place was always crowded with noise, flooding people back and forth so that it had been easy to lose the track of him there; yet sometimes still he had succeeded... Ai had looked so, so tired and frail every time his face had passed, and if their eyes had happened to meet, he always pulled that alarmed expression that had made Rin wonder what he could possibly do. And while he had debated, the opportunities had passed one by one.

 

The truth was, even if Ai couldn’t see that; he hadn’t stopped climbing the ladders. Pulling back hadn’t made Rin to let him go, but to hold onto him harder. Their overturned roles had evoked a strong emotion in him; it was his time to help Ai in turn. It had surprised Rin, feeling so motivated and invested in it all of a sudden. And it had finally unveiled the truth, that it was possible that he was... in love with him, too?

 

For when Ai had fallen ill, Rin had realized that it wasn’t just his company and talking that he missed. It was him, entirely; the spark of joy in his eyes whenever they met, his laughter in his ears, the way his lips curled when he was about to break a smile. It had taken losing them to understand their vast significance, yet now it was too late. Rin sighed, fingers combing hair behind his ear absently. The picture of bedridden Ai revolted behind his eyelids, never once releasing him, but keeping him from sleeping. Maybe he had known, had given in to the feeling on some level. He might have been in love with Ai, but it had been easy to brush it off his mind.

 

For Ai though, it hadn’t been that easy. Had he had to hide it inside, a storm impossible to ignore, until it had grown too giant and flung itself out in violet and pink petals? Rin did not know, but he supposed he would be given an answer soon. The situation had evolved to the point where not one of them was capable of overlooking any secrets anymore, but needed them laid out on the table. He would talk to Ai after he had woken up.

 

 

 

It must have been around six in the morning. Rin couldn’t think straight. He hadn’t been able to catch a wink -where would he have, for he had missed his chance earlier that night stressing out, and now he was too nervous for the disclosure.

 

He had no memory of that night. At some point through it, he had slipped from his room to send Momo back and keep late hours with Ai, but he couldn’t recollect the change wholly. Rubbing his temples, the man shifted his feet on where he sat, on the edge of the lower bunk bed, across the boy who slept soundly under the covers. Rin felt like he had stayed awake forever, but was relieved to see that at least somebody was resting. Ai looked so fragile against his pillow, head turned to the side. Witnessing him so weak helped the man declare his mission, until he had rooted on the place he was sitting next to him. It was a peaceful state of mind, guarding his dreams -and as long as he was asleep, he wouldn’t have to cough up those damn flowers, Rin concluded. Ai’s breathing rattled, and it outright wrenched the man’s heart; forced to listen to that sad sound. He would’ve been ready to do anything to be able to ease his condition a little.

 

The pale morning sun came through the window uninvited, the sky slowly bruising colors. They were the same than in the flowers that had emerged from him like a sunrise, their veins flowing the same gold than sunrays. A stray bloom sat on the floor quietly, missed the bucket. Rin stared at it blankly. He had an urge to pick it up, to hold it, but lacked the willpower and just let it slide. His inactivity turned out to be a blessing in the end; for otherwise he would’ve missed the true miracle in the room.

 

Ai opened his eyes. Like a flower lifting her heavy petals in the pace of a rising sun, the red glow as the only thing they longed for. Leaving the job halfway, he settled for observing the white wall through his eyelashes, mouth slightly open. For a second, he looked so immensely sad -it was most likely what he was still feeling, still thinking that he was carrying all that pain alone. Looking at his pale skin, the dark circles underneath his eyes, the familiar dot on his left cheek, Rin got a jolt of guilt for gaping at him in such vulnerable state. It only lasted for a blink of an eye though; soon the boy’s brain registered his upperclassman’s presence, and Ai turned his eyes on him surprised, embarrassed of his melancholy. Rin sat on the end of his bed, carefully not to invade any of his blanket, an expression decorating his face that was a mixture of worry and shock.

 

Rin broke the silence with a quiet “ _Morning_ ” -he wished he could’ve come up with something more clever, but pretending that everything was normal felt like the right choice. Unfortunately, nothing in that morning was normal. 

 

Ai peeped out “Good morning, senpai” with no hint of his usual cheeriness, the sound Rin was used to wake up to every morning last year. Its blandness turned his stomach into an even tighter knot. How far away from each other had he let them slip? Rin tried to catch his eyes, but avoidance had taken over Ai’s appearance again, making him escape further into his shell. 

 

Sitting up, Ai stared at the wrinkles of the bedsheet between his knees. The fabric had escaped a little from underneath the mattress, and he pretended to be highly interested in that detail, in order to ignore the stifling silence in the room. In his eyes, the bed was covered in rosebuds. As small and fragile as he was, the red flowers filled the space between them, a visual presentation of the feeling that was heating up his cheeks. He was afraid his thoughts would burn through as flowers in his throat, and his words drip from his lips as their ashes, so he didn’t say anything.

 

“Ai”.

 

Rin captured him under his spell with the pronunciation of his name. Ai turned to stare straight into him with his gentle deer eyes, waiting for him to take his life from him, to break him in some way. And that was what happened -Rin didn’t skip a beat when he said;

 

“Sousuke told me”.

 

And his words broke his tender glass stare. Ai lowered his eyes back to his hands, uttering a sound of comprehension to conceal a broken inhale. His fear had come true, but despite all the months he had waited for it to happen, he didn’t feel prepared at all. Rin’s words placed them to an unknown territory, and the shift of the current brought him the previous night’s terrors, washing away the last of his control over his life. 

 

Neither of them knew how to bounce back. Afraid of what would change they sat there, the uncertainty making Ai’s white fists shake. By every passing second, the possibility that Rin was angry went higher and higher in his head. And the faster his heart beat, the more they pushed up -the flowers crowded his respiratory tract, never to be allowed out. And the longer they were silent, the more his front cracked, his panic feeding off his fear. Ai could feel Rin’s gaze on his skin as he brought his fingertips to his trembling lips, unable to conceal his inhales turning to wheezes. He had withheld it from the daylight for too long.

 

“I’m sorry”.

 

It was the only thing that Ai really felt like he needed to say. Moreover, he felt like he owed Rin an apology for all the things he had put him through. They would need to reconsider their position and build up their relationship from scratch, if even possible. Ai just wanted to apologize beforehand for all the mental work it would recruit, happening or not. His feelings may have ruined everything between them that he had cherished, but at least he could act about it responsibly, and have his kingdom fall down gracefully.

 

Rin pulled a doubtful expression. “For what?”, he asked, more bluntly than intended.

 

Ai raised his gaze again, unguarded, confused to the core. As an another feeling mutual, puzzlement shone on his face, and Ai was left staring at him wondering what about it he couldn’t understand. Suddenly, chills ran up to his neck as he realized his mistake. It was dangerous to look straight into the sun; yet he had avoided his light for the obvious reasons for so long, that now that he was basking in it he couldn’t bring himself to turn back. Rin looked even more beautiful than he had remembered. His hair disheveled like on those lazy sunday mornings they had spent together, his appearance suggested that he hadn’t slept, for his frame was still draped with the same loose t-shirt than yesterday. It was the first time Ai really saw him for many months -or was allowed to, and suddenly all the familiar details came like a flood over him, shifting the burning in his chest to his throat.

 

Rin’s expression turned to alarmed, when the boy in front of him suddenly broke into petals. Ai wasn’t doing much to cover the relapse anymore, but let the pink carnations come alive at the gate of his mouth, and they opened their petals as he closed his eyes. Despite being so beautiful, the play came across sorrowful; for they both knew now what all those pastel colours meant; nothing but a cry of help, his pain made visible. Rin didn’t know what to do; frozen, his heart sank as the gentle reminders did, too. His immobility acted as a proof for Ai, who felt like despite being physically closer to him than in months, they were oceans apart and slipping further. Soon, droplets of clear water joined the falling florets, as he realized his yearning.

 

Ai missed Rin _so_ much. He missed their late night conversations, long walks they used to have, and confiding to each other. He missed his voice, his laugh, his serious face and watching his dark eyelashes as he spoke -Ai felt almost shy thinking of it, as if his tender need of another person beside him was something to be ashamed of. The kind of love he was feeling was warm and tender, the soft pink feeling travelling all the way to the tips of his fingers and toes, filling his stomach. And it was all him.

 

He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when he had fallen in love with Rin. But he knew it was his smile, his warmness to blame -for when exposed to it he had felt so unworthy, so undeserving of such a blessing… And by every increase of it that had lured out by the passing of time, he had fell a little deeper even, until he had been immersed into the feeling altogether. As Rin had learned to be himself, Ai had walked alongside him on that journey, giving himself away. Bringing him to smile had filled his days, until his purpose had been taken from him. The man had moved out, and in a place of those friendly exchanges was that lonely hum anymore, that rang in his ears, deafening him. Despite knowing that it wasn’t supposed to be the end of their friendship, it was undeniable that things had changed. Rin only spent time with Sousuke, and Ai was stuck looking after Momo, and the boy didn’t have the heart to try and change the new arrangement developed. Still, at the end of the day, Ai’s heart had kept on looking for his, routinely seeking glimpses of his red hair in the boundless sea of people.

 

After the new order had been cemented, Ai had told himself to let it go. Some days, he had succeeded, but some days had been harder than the others. Some days, he had felt lost. Then, every glimpse of him across the hall had reset his progress -and it had come roaring back, red and stormy and desperate, convincing the boy he couldn’t live without him by his side. The conflict swelling inside his body had been so hard to hide -it had been so painful, that Ai had had to settle to avoid Rin. But the feeling hadn’t relented, and now it had come to this.

 

Ai felt humiliated with inconveniencing his senpais with all this. Now that they knew the reason behind all the aching, the boy was left wondering how would they be able to look at him anymore. The most painful thing to realize was that the haze had been his illness all along, which was due to his own cowardy. So he only had himself to blame -knowing that didn’t ease the pain, but increased it, for he knew he should’ve acted on his feelings much earlier. But as much as he would’ve wanted to, he knew it would have been out of options; he would’ve let the illness take him before it could happen.

 

For he didn’t want Rin to think badly of him. It was his biggest worry, if Rin felt repulsive of him because he liked him. But not his gender, his appearance, his talents or any other factor others could consider the reason mattered to him. Ai was attracted to his soul, to the raw person he was that he had seen through the cracks on all that show. He loved him on some deep emotional level he thought no one could understand, he hardly did himself. But he knew he had loved Rin from the moment they had met, and he would’ve done so even if he had been blind. And he would continue to love him, even if those flowers were to crowd out his body, sprout from underneath his skin, and choke him in their colors. Because at the end of the day, he had gotten so used to his misery, that he just didn’t care anymore. Even if he was to perish in that illness, if the flowers did bury his body to underneath their death glow; to swallow him whole, he didn’t care. The thought of it only consoled him; because after that, he wouldn’t have to deal with the painful things anymore.

 

And so, they did -breaking out, like a flood breaks a dam at spring, the flowers escaped the cramped room of his insides, giving out the honest, sincere emotion built up within the hanahaki in his chest. Peonies, crocuses and narcissi, roses, daisies and forget-me-nots, dozens of every kind came in sight and joined the parade of colour on his lap. As Ai suffered through the seizure, upper body weighing down to help his lungs clear the airways, he failed to detect Rin scooting over to him.

 

The next thing he knew, was large palms grabbing his shoulders, forcing him to straighten up. A single rosebud rolled down his lifted chin, as Rin cupped both of his cheeks firmly, tilting his head. Only partly present, Ai moved his water-filled, exhausted eyes to Rin the second he pulled his face in.  


They crashed into an intense kiss. Seeking to sink his overflowing emotions into it Rin kissed him hard, and the single cherry flower pressed between their lips dissolved, allowing the touch. Ai’s stifled sigh against his mouth, the pile of flowers between them crushed underneath Rin’s knees as he didn’t give a shit about personal space anymore.

 

He had let it go on for too long. Impulsive and fiery like the man, the kiss lasted just enough to show that he really wanted it, but to cover that he had no idea how to get it. So they broke apart, flushed faces and a huff of breath remaining behind.  


The fact that he could still taste him on his lips messed with Rin’s head, and it shone on his eyes as he fixed them with the other’s dumbfounded ones. The eye contact released the weight of his actions to crash over the man at once.

 

Swallowing hard, Rin retreated his sweating hands to Ai’s shoulders awkwardly. He had to remind himself of his intentions; to declare his feelings to his own self and to him, to begin with. But mostly, he had done it for Ai’s sake; and for every force that might have been listening, that had given Ai that terrible illness of his.

 

The boy was weak in his hands. Although still faint due to the lack of oxygen, Rin noticed that the air flowed easier with him now. The boy slowly comprehended his new, relieved way of being, the absence of the nausea. Like a rock has been lifted from on top of them, his lungs filled with fresh air at last, the sensation divine after being choked up for so long. Careful with his new ability, Ai tried it out with shy little sniffles, blinking the remaining water from his lashes at the same. He looked like a mess -pretty as hell mess, Rin’s useless brain informed him. Then, Ai’s weak, needy gaze came across to him so god damn adorable that he felt like he was going to explode with how violently in love with him he was.

 

“Ai. Uh”, the man started, before finding himself completely gutted from words. He felt like he needed to explain his actions by some mean, but suddenly had no idea of what had taken over him. He supposed it got something to do with his protectiveness towards the boy, his low self-restriction or a combination of the two, but was unable to figure it out right. Subconsciously, his grip on Ai’s shoulders tightened, making him squirm underneath. Rin knew that there was only one thing that truly needed to be said, and sweated hard before landing on it.

 

“Oh god.” He took a deep inhale, wording it properly. 

 

“Look, I like you too. It’s alright”.

 

Ai stopped, and the look in his wide eyes intensified. His lips parted, but no words were brought out -for there wasn’t any to describe the feeling on the doorstep of his mind. Soon he would let it in, and it would make his fingers curl on the hem of Rin’s shirt. Their faces were so close that Rin could feel the shaky inhale that took over Ai, as his words sank in.

 

His reaction was the same as flower’s reaction to the sun. _Bright_ , Rin thought of the way something came alive behind his soft blue. To shield from further embarrassment, Ai broke the connection by timidly hiding his face from him. Leaning his forehead against Rin’s shoulder, he felt the vibration of the man’s heartfelt laughter through the fabric.  


“ _Rin_ ”, Ai whined against his neck, self-conscious of his burning cheeks already without his love pointing it out. Small hands tightened their grip on the black shirt, as Ai shyly locked him into an embrace. Rin followed his emerging contently. They both knew he had been just teasing him -already returning the move, Rin fumbled to find his hands around Ai’s smaller body just right. The second he felt like he got it, he pulled him into the tightest hug, that bent the boy’s back and shoved his elbows wholly past the man’s sides.  


A surprised squeak melted into relieved laughter. Rin buried his nose in his hair, which made Ai let out another sound, indistinguishable between a chuckle and a sob. The touch turned out to be everything he had needed, and although still hesitant and baffled by the turn of events, he found the courage to let himself go and enjoy it. The strong arms around him held his pieces in place miraculously, promising that he would never let him fall apart again. And all the days he had been too afraid to wish that there was hope for him, vanished and the flower taking root in his heart faded away, freeing him from the curse.

 

On the doorstep to the room, through an opening just big enough for them to peek in, Momo and Sousuke surveyed the conclusion. A wide smile was plastered even on the taller male’s face, before he dragged the reluctant kouhai away to grant the newfound couple some privacy.

 

Rin, arms wrapped around his fragile ribs, held him with confidence for a long while. Then again Ai, his hands on the back of Rin’s t-shirt, clung onto his frame contently. The vast sea was stitched up before them, so they could be where they used to be -and better... Nervous hearts found compassion with the other’s close sound and Ai’s calm, easy breathing.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Long time no see! I love hanahaki, it fits this couple and my aesthetic perfectly. For you who are waiting for my next long story... Let's say it's still in the making!
> 
>  
> 
> Join me in ignoring the 3rd season shenanigans and leave a comment?


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